


Introductions

by roman (transzsasz)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bisexual Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr., Bisexual Rafael Barba, Coming Out, Demisexuality, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Falling In Love, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Love Confessions, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Safe Space, They're In Love Your Honor, brief mentions of interanlized homophobia, demisexual rafael, he/they sonny, like i wrote too much, nonbinary sonny, rafael has his back, sonny just wants to be taken seriously, sonny's family are only mentioned, tags are hard to write, this got a little out of hand
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 02:22:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29926470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzsasz/pseuds/roman
Summary: five times Carisi introduced himself as Sonny and one time Barba did it for him
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49





	Introductions

**Author's Note:**

> my first ever barisi fic, i'm new to the fandom really so i am so sorry if some of the characters aren't really right but yeah, i can't get over nonbinary sonny so here you go

1.

Sonny adjusted his shirt again, second guessing whether he was making the right choice with wearing the blue one over the dusty pink one he had, he really did like that shirt and he knew exactly where it was, he could go change it now and... "Wow, don't you look dashing." Sonny turned around, he felt his face heat up as he laughed at his mom.

"Thanks, Ma," Sonny said, "I was wondering whether I made the right choice, ya know? This one over the pink one?" His mom tilted her head, running her eyes up and down his body before nodding.

"No, I think you've made a wonderful choice, it really brings out your eyes, she'll love it," His mom walked further into his room, "What's her name again?"

"Jessica, and it's not a date date."

"Not a date date?" His mom just smirked at him, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Yeah, we're just hanging out."

"Oh, so that's what the kids are calling it nowadays, huh?" His mom laughed, "I don't understand, you asked her out, she said yes, how is it not a date?"

"It just isn't, at least I don't think it is," Sonny shrugged, "Didn't really specify." His mom's face softened and her smirk turned into a gentle smile as she put her hands on his shoulders.

"Now listen to me Dominick," Sonny tried not to frown as his name, "Whatever this is, it'll be great and you'll have a lovely night."

"Thanks ma." His mom pulled him into a hug, squeezing tightly for a second before pulling back.

"You dad is still picking you up at ten, right?" Sonny nodded, "Okay, well you best be off, don't want to make you late." Sonny nodded, his mom kissed his forehead and left his room. Sonny quickly checked his face in the mirror, checking for lipstick transfer, when he saw he was in the clear he grabbed his wallet from his draws and the jacket from his bed. He flipped the switch on the wall to turn out his bedroom light and made his way downstairs, dodging his older sisters teasing remarks and kissing his kid sister on her temple as he said bye.

The air was crisp, fall was approaching fast and it was beautiful, seeing the leaves beginning to turn colours and the nights get darker but the temperature was still nice enough that he could get away with just a jacket as he walked towards the local diner where he agreed to meet Jessica. She was a girl from his class, he'd known of her for nearly a year now but she only noticed him only a few months ago, he wasn't lying to his mom when he said it wasn't a date date, it felt more like a pre-date, see how this goes and they can decide if they want to go for an official date or if to just be friends.

Still, he was excited, they'd only spoken a handful of times before he got the courage to ask if she'd like to hang out and get dinner together. It was going to be nice, he knew a little bit about her but not a lot, just stuff he heard his friends say or things he picked up during class, Sonny doubted that Jessica even knew anything about him but she said he was cute and would like to get to know him. He continued to the diner with a spring in his step.

Sonny arrived there first, he was sipping on a water and tearing apart a napkin when Jessica walked in. She was so pretty and Sonny felt the nerves wash over him as she walked towards the booth where he was sat, her hair was red and curly and Sonny loved the way it bounced as she moved, her skin was peppered with soft freckles (he noticed they came out more in the summer), and her smile was bright, it never left as she sat opposite him; she placed her handbag on the seat beside her and tucked her hair behind her ears, "Hey."

"Hi, you look wonderful." Jessica laughed, her eyes were so green and Sonny really hoped this date would go really well.

"Thank you, that's awful sweet," Her voice had a Southern twang to it, "I know were in the same class and all but I feel like I barely know you."

"Yeah, I get that, thought we could use this time tonight get to know each other a little better." Sonny said, pushing the napkin pieces to the side, out of the way. Jessica smiled a little wider, shifting in her seat then clearing her throat before speaking.

"I'm Jessica, originally from Oklahoma, moved two years ago," She held out her hand, "It's nice to meet you... to properly meet you."

"Hi Jessica, I'm Sonny, always lived in Staten Island but I guess, originally, we came from Italy." He said, shaking her hand, Jessica laughed when they let go.

"What did you say your name was?"

"Uh... Sonny."

"Ya mama name you that?" Sonny's brow creased.

"Well, no," he wished he never moved the napkin away, "Why?"

"What name did she give you?" 

"Dominick... after my father." 

"Ah, so you're a junior then?" Jessica tapped her fingers on top of the table, there was no pattern to it but after every tap Sonny felt more and more on edge; he nodded, "So, why call yourself Sonny?"

"Well..."

"Sounds a bit queer if you ask me." She said, picking up one of the menus from the stand, her hand still tapping; she was so casual and Sonny just didn't understand.

 _"Excuse me?"_ Sonny's jaw hung open, shocked that she'd just come out with that.

"Sonny just sounds so girly, makes you sound a little... fruity." She laughed again, as if what she said was even remotely funny.

"I... never thought about it like that, I just like it." Sonny shrugged, his leg bouncing under the table, he felt overwhelmed and wished he had an excuse so he could call his dad to come pick him up, but then again, if he left early then she'd probably see it as confirmation that he was gay and she'd tell everyone.

"Hey, now I don't mean anything by it, sweetheart," She looked at him over her menu, "You're here with me, that shows that you're normal." Sonny tried not to flinch at the word 'normal', something about it didn't sit right with him and he wasn't quite sure why.

"Yeah," He laughed uneasily and picked up his own menu but he couldn't read anything on it, he felt a little choked up, "You're right."

"Of course I am, anyway, now we've sorted that out," She said, "What are you ordering, Dominick?"

  
Later that night, Sonny laid in bed unable to sleep, the whole pre-date was a bust and frankly he doubted that he wanted to stay friends with Jessica. Her comments at the diner about his name and the accusations that he could be gay made him feel uncomfortable around her, Sonny was polite and finished the meal with her and made small talk, then he waited until her sister came to pick her up but he didn't think he'd be trying to talk to her socially again after tonight. He was glad he didn't wear the pink shirt, it would probably scream 'queer' to her; it made his stomach turn.

Sonny sat upright, he felt warm and uncomfortable, he never had a bad thing to say about gays before so why, when being accused of being a queer was aimed at him, did it make him feel sick? He knew his parents didn't really approve, he never really understood that though, they blamed the bible but Sonny had never seen or heard of a direct teaching that there was anything wrong with it and surely the Lord had no issue with it? Why would he when everyone is made from his own design? If the Lord was okay with it, why couldn't Sonny be?

He laid back down again, turning on his side he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, maybe Jessica was right? Maybe he was gay? But that was a stupid thought, he liked girls and he knew it, that wasn't a clouded cover up to him, he didn't have a type, he just loved women romantically and, when the time was right and he was ready, he knew he'd want to love them sexually too, so this whole thought process was bullshit. Then he thought about Adam, a boy who sat two rows in front of him in English, he was cute and Sonny noticed he'd been looking at him a lot, looking at him the same way he looked Jessica.

 _No,_ he was not thinking about this, Jessica didn't mean anything when she said that, it won't stop him from using Sonny as his name, it made him feel better and there was nothing wrong with that, it doesn't mean _anything_. He was just a normal kid, that's that.

Sonny pulled the covers over his head and tried to sleep.

2.

  
Sonny felt his throat tighten as he looked at the entrance of the NYPD building, he couldn't believe he'd made it this far and he was finally going to be on the force with the special victims unit. He was nervous, an excited type of nerves, he'd worked hard to get here, put in so many hours and it was finally being recognised. He was in Staten Island SVU for two months, Brooklyn for almost a month and Queens for a week, and before that, he was a patrol officer on Staten Island, he was grateful for the transfer; he was sure this was going to be his big break in his career.

Adjusting his tie one last time, he entered the building and made his way to his new work space, he needed to find his new Sergeant which made him feel a little queasy, he'd heard so much about Benson, she was nothing short of fantastic and he found himself desperate to make her proud before they'd even met. A few people looked up when he passed by their desks, he smiled and gave them a wave, a blonde woman returned the gesture. Sonny noticed there was an office, he walked towards it, noticing it was slightly ajar, he caught a glimpse of Benson at her desk, and after taking a deep breath he knocked and waited; "Come in."

"Hi, Sergeant Benson?" Sonny tried to seem as calm as possible as he entered her office.

"Ah," She looked up and smiled at him, Sonny felt more at ease, "I'm guessing you must be Detective Carisi?"

"That I am, Ma'am." He said, walking to her desk and holding out his hand for her to shake, which she did.

"Please, call me Liv," Liv said, a small laugh in her voice, "Welcome to SVU."

"Thanks, excited to be here," They let go of each others hands, "Ready to get stuck in and make a difference."

"That's what I like to hear, nice to have a new lease of life to the force," Liv stood up and walked around the desk so she was stood closer to Sonny, "Let's go introduce you to the rest of the team, shall we?" Sonny nodded, following her out of her office and back to the people at the desks; there was only two of them, which included the blonde from before. They both looked up as Sonny and Liv approached them, "Hey guys, I'd like you to meet Detective Carisi who is taking over from Amaro, Carisi, meet Rollins and Tutuola." Liv said, pointing to both detectives.

"Nice to meet you both." He said, moving forward to shake both of their hands.

"Treat him nicely, get him up to speed," Liv said, "Carisi your desk is the one next to Rollins, she's your new partner." Liv pat him on the shoulder gently and gave him a soft smile before returning back to her office. Sonny went to sit at his new desk, everything felt so unfamiliar and suddenly he felt unqualified and unexperienced.

"So, Carisi," Rollins said, tilting her head at him, "I'm Amanda, and that's Fin," She pointed at the other guy with her pen, Fin had turned his chair around so he could look at them both, "I'm guessing you have a first name too?"

"Yeah, uh, Sonny," He smiled at her, "Everyone calls me Sonny." It was a lie, he was desperately trying to get more and more people to call him Sonny.

"Sonny?" Amanda's tone was a little mocking, "I wouldn't have guessed that."

"Me neither, could have sworn Liv said it was something else though." Fin said, Sonny felt like he was under interrogation.

"If Liv already told you, why are you asking?" _Great_ , it was his first ten minutes and he was already snapping at his new coworkers.

"Call it curiosity."

"What Fin means is that we couldn't remember exactly, Liv only mentioned your full name briefly," Amanda said, "We just wanted to try and get to know you that's all Carisi, Sonny just doesn't ring a bell."

"Guessing you guys were told Dominick?" Sonny looked down at his desk, he didn't want to have to bring that name up unless he really had to, but he knew they weren't going to drop it now they knew it; his dream of being known only as Sonny shattered.

"Dominick," Amanda clicked her fingers in realisation, "That's it, that's what Liv said... so why tell us Sonny?"

"Guess, it's just a nickname I wanted to try and go by." It was so much more than that, Sonny had a long time to reflect on himself since the first time someone insulted his name choice, but he wasn't ready to go into that either.

"A nickname?" Fin sounded almost disappointed but Sonny couldn't tell, he didn't know the guy, "Bit childish."

"What's so childish about it?" Sonny still didn't look up, instead pretending to busy himself with organising his desk. 

"Sonny just sounds like a name my niece would come up with." Fin's tone was dismissive, and Sonny really didn't want this conversation to continue, he already felt like an outsider being the newbie, he didn't want to fall out with his new team for getting angry at them for questioning his name choice.

"So, Liv says you have to catch me up to speed? What's going on?" He said, changing the topic before it got heated and that really wouldn't look good on Sonny.

"Yeah, here," Amanda started typing into her computer then turned the monitor so Sonny could see the screen, "This is what we're going through now, might wanna take some notes."

  
Sonny was exhausted when he got home, he was thankful for the quiet apartment he was renting, it wasn't anything special but it was his and that's all that mattered. He toed off his shoes at the door and hung up his coat, taking his bag of take out to the kitchen as he loosened his tie. He didn't get much further with trying to get Amanda and Fin to call him Sonny but he also wasn't prepared to start a fight /or/ explain why this name was more important to him than they realised, he wasn't really ready to share that information with anybody. He put his takeout on the counter top and shrugged off his suit jacket, chucking it next to the paper bag, pressing the heel of his palms into his eyes, he was tired.

He knew it couldn't be like this always, that it was just because it was his first day that made it feel worse than it was and he was still learning all the ropes but he couldn't wait until he was less of an outsider and more part of the team, but nobody really wanted to give him the time of day just yet, still hung up on Amaro and his demotion. It didn't help that he _was_ inexperienced and he kept putting his foot in his mouth although he also felt like he learnt a lot already. His notebook has never been so full before.

Sonny started removing his takeout from the bag, he grabbed a fork and took it through to the sitting room, he flopped onto the couch and turned on the TV, flicking through channels before he found reruns of a show he used to like. It was late by now, there wasn't an awful lot on TV but he didn't care, he knew he wasn't going to be watching it, he couldn't focus, all he could think about how Rollins and Fin were so dismissive of the name 'Sonny', not only were they dismissive but they were also _mocking_ and he still couldn't fully understand that, it reminded him of that date he had years ago where he tried to use Sonny then and was disregarded and called a queer.

Rollins and Fin didn't say that though, never accused him of being anything other than childish which also didn't sit right with him. Why was it childish to use a name that made him feel more at ease? Benson never asked, but he knew she had the facts, it would be impossible for her to not know but it was okay, she just called him Carisi which worked as well, he did rather like the use of his last name in place of his first name. He was used to it, at his previous jobs they used last names more often than not, unless they were being casual then it was Dom or Dominick and Sonny didn't exactly hate it, he just wasn't fully comfortable with it being the name everyone referred to him with.

He sighed, eventually he'll get people to call him Sonny, maybe if he keeps slipping it into conversation or into introductions, someone will take note and use it. Someone won't question him about why he won't use his "real" name and he doesn't have to make up excuses instead of telling them that he can't legally change his first name to Sonny because it'd upset his family, they'd think something was wrong because he removed his father's name, he chose being Sonny Carisi over being Dominick Carisi Jr and he could already hear the uproar; it just wasn't worth it.

Sonny shook his head and opened his carton of noodles, he kicked his feet onto his small coffee table and relaxed into the couch. Tomorrow was another day at SVU and this time he vowed not to snap at his colleges and to also not give up hope that someone will call him by his name eventually.

3.

  
A few weeks into his new job and Sonny felt things slowly fall into place, he was still an outsider and he still made mistakes but they were beginning to use his skills in interrogations and Liv was beginning to praise him a lot more, it made him feel a little proud. He was also beginning to get closer to Rollins, she was stubborn and a bit of a wild card sometimes but she could also be sweet, and she was funny which made it easier to try and be her friend. It made going to work a little easier too, made him feel more comfortable knowing that Rollins would engage in conversation with him instead of blanking him, a problem he'd had with previous partners throughout his career, but this special victims unit felt like more of a family than just a group of people stuck together through circumstance and a paycheck; Sonny wasn't quite in that family yet but he hoped it wasn't going to be too long before he felt included.

It was a Tuesday, a slow day, nothing incredibly pressing for him to get stuck into when he arrived at the precinct, just some paperwork he needed to finish from a closed case the night before; normally he would have done it there and then but Liv told them all to go home and get some rest, the case had been draining. Fin was already at his desk, twirling a pen between his fingers as he looked down at a case file in front of him; "Morning." Sonny greeted, putting his bag on his desk as he took off his jacket, resting it against the back of his chair.

"Morning Carisi," Fin said, turning his chair to look at him, "Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure, what's up?" He asked, sitting at his desk, grabbing his own paper work from his draw so he could get to work.

"How is it that you're so chipper every morning?" Sonny laughed, it wasn't the first time he had heard that.

"Guess I'm just a... sunny kind of person." He said, smiling at Fin. Fin nodded, Sonny knew he got what he was meaning by using those choice of words but he didn't say anything, Sonny didn't expect him too.

"Morning guys," Rollins interrupted the atmosphere that was slowly turning awkward between the two men, "Beautiful day, huh?" Sonny noticed how her coat was damp, he turned to look out of a window and saw the rain had started.

"Didn't know rain was in the forecast?" He said, looking back at Amanda.

"It wasn't, otherwise I would have brought my umbrella," She said, hanging up her coat then pulling out her chair and sitting at her desk, "Hope it isn't a sign for how the day is going to turn out."

"Doubt it," Fin said, he then glanced towards the door and frowned, "Or maybe it is, look who just rocked up." Amanda and Sonny looked towards the entrance to the precinct and _fuck_ , Sonny suddenly felt warm as he saw a stern looking guy walking across the room.

"Hope he's not here to give bad news, I was hoping to just get paperwork done this morning at least." Amanda muttered but Sonny didn't care, he couldn't tear his eyes away from this guy. He'd never seen him here before, he wasn't very tall and he looked kinda serious but Sonny couldn't get over how hot this man was, he was older than him and he carried himself with this air of 'Don't Look At Me, Don't Talk To Me' which made Sonny want to know who he was even more, barer of bad news or not, this guy was _gorgeous_.

"Who is that?" Sonny leaned a little closer to Rollins, trying to sound casual but quiet.

"That's the ADA," Amanda said, the ADA walked by them and went straight to Liv's office, "He's a real hard-ass."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, you've probably heard of him, Barba?" Sonny's mouth felt dry, of course he'd heard of ADA Barba, he'd just never seen him before now but he'd heard about a lot of his cases; the guy was unstoppable.

"Yeah, I've heard of him."

"So you'll know he's an asshole but he gets the job done." Amanda turned back to her paperwork but Sonny couldn't tear his eyes away from Barba, he could see him talking to Liv through the open blinds, it seemed like it could have been a bit of a casual chat but since he wasn't in the room he couldn't really tell.

"Yeah, he works alongside us a lot, you'll end up seeing a lot more of him," Fin said, "Normally, if he's coming to the precinct first it is normally followed by bad news for us."

"It doesn't seem that way today, maybe the rain wasn't a bad omen." Sonny joked, turning to smile at him, Fin huffed a laugh and smiled back; Sonny always felt like he'd accomplished something when he managed to get Fin to smile at one of his jokes.

"Maybe you're right, Carisi." He said, turning back to his paperwork. Sonny looked back towards the window of Liv's office, he felt a blush spread across his face when Barba turned his head and met his eyes. Sonny turned his head away so fast he was scared he'd given himself whiplash. He heard Amanda chuckle beside him.

"Don't even bother wasting your time." Sonny refused to look at her, suddenly his paper work becoming so interesting.

"I don't know what you mean."

"Whatever you're thinking about Barba, leave it at just thinking, he doesn't give anyone who isn't Liv the time of day," She said, "He'd probably just end up hurting you even if, by some miracle, he was into guys and into you so honestly, don't even bother, Dominick, it's not worth it." Sonny gripped his pen tight he didn't like hearing this about Barba before he even had the chance to make his own assumption on the type of guy Barba was, he also didn't appreciate the use of his first name.

"It's not like that." She scoffed.

"Sure." Sonny didn't answer, he didn't want to get into this sorta conversation at work, he wasn't ready for everyone to know he bats for both teams just yet, not while he was still so new. There was a lot they didn't know about him just yet, and a lot he didn't want to share either.

Barba was in Liv's office for an hour, Sonny looked up when he left, he hugged Liv and she laughed about something he said, clearly this was more of a social event. He had his jacket over his arm and Sonny noticed the suspenders he wore, they looked so good, Sonny had a brief idea of grabbing them to pull Barba against him, but then he quickly shook his head to get rid of that thought; he hadn't been this affected by a guy so quickly in a while, it was a little exciting.

Sonny thought that he was going to leave and walk by them again, but instead he felt butterflies in his stomach when the ADA walked towards them, Fin and Amanda looked up to when he approached them, "Please don't tell me you have something bad to tell us, Barba?" Amanda asked.

"Hello to you too, Rollins, Tutuola," He nodded at her, and then at Fin, "No, there's no news to share, you can go back to your... thrilling paperwork, I just noticed there's a newbie that I'm yet to be introduced to." Barba looked straight at Sonny, totally blanking out the other two; Sonny didn't know whether to be intimidated or turned on, it was a weird mix of both. He was screwed.

"Sonny Carisi," He held his hand out to Barba, "Amaro's replacement."

"Sonny, huh?" Barba shook his hand, "Rafael Barba, Assistant District Attorney." 

"I know."

"Oh, so you already know me? I'm at a disadvantage here."

"I'm sure you got the lowdown on who I was from Sergeant Benson, Counsellor." Rafael smirked at him, they were still holding hands.

"You'd be correct, maybe we're now on an even playing field."

"Maybe not," Amanda cut in, breaking whatever the hell was going on, "Considering Carisi is only telling you nicknames and not his actual name." Barba let go of his hand, Sonny already missed the contact.

"Nickname, huh?" Sonny felt the butterflies leave and his insides twist, it was the _first_ time in a long time that someone accepted his name without questioning him.

"Yeah, it's D..." Barba held his hand up to silence her, Sonny was amazed at how quickly it worked.

"I am well aware of his first name detective, I do not need you telling me things about Carisi that he hasn't shared with me himself," The twisting feeling in his gut disappeared and Sonny was sure it was replaced with something akin to love, "Anyway, I have things to do, see you around," Rafael smiled at him, "Sonny Carisi." Sonny watched as Barba left, the guy didn't turn back around but Sonny didn't care; the view was good enough for him.

"What the fuck just happened?" Amanda said, snapping her fingers to get Sonny's attention.

"What?"

"What happened? Like, what the fuck was that?" Amanda looked completely shocked, Fin's expression was very similar.

"We were just introducing ourselves." Sonny shrugged.

"No, Barba really doesn't do introductions like that," She said, "Took me three weeks after knowing him to find out his first name was Rafael and not just ADA." Sonny laughed at that.

"So, he told me his name, it's not a big deal."

"Who is sharing names?" Liv said, walking out of her office, perching against Fin's desk; she had a case file in her hand.

"Barba gave Carisi his full name." Fin said.

"Oh," Liv removed her glasses, she looked less shocked and a little smug, "Did he now?"

"Yeah, but like I said to Rollins and Fin, it doesn't mean anything."

"Sure," Liv stood up straight and put her glasses back on, "Anyway, just got a call through, you can contemplate the weird behaviours of Barba later and instead get to work." 

  
By the end of the week, Sonny had Rafael's number scribbled in biro up his arm, hickeys on his neck and kiss swollen lips. He was really beginning to like this job.

4.

  
Within several weeks of starting at SVU, Sonny had started fooling around with Barba, it was thrilling and it just made _sense_ to him, like it was always supposed to happen. They kept this fling a secret from everyone for four months, it was only then did he realise that he was spending less time at his own apartment and more time at Barba's and it was becoming less and less like a no strings attached fling, a desperate attempt to get each other off when they needed a release, and more about spending time with each other and learning about each other. It didn't mean they stopped having sex, on the contrary, they were sleeping together frequently but Sonny realised it felt less like fucking and more like love making.

They didn't start having sex right away, Sonny noted that they moved gradually from making out and casual hand jobs to Barba blowing him and eventually them sleeping together. Sonny never had a fling like this before, he had no idea how fast it was supposed to go but from what he's managed to learn about Barba from Rollins and others in the department, nobody had _ever_ seen him have any interest in somebody before, regardless of gender, let alone have a seedy office affair which meant, in Sonny's opinion, that Rafael wasn't one to sleep around either.

Only now, it didn't matter, two months after their first time, six months after they first met, Rafael made it official by asking Sonny to go out with him, took him on a date, wined and dined him and then ended it with a kiss and a question to be his boyfriend. Sonny wished his younger self, the one freaking out in his room because he couldn't tell if he was homophobic or gay, could see him now, could understand that there was a term for how he felt for both boys and girls, that being bisexual was a thing and that wanting to kiss a boy wasn't bad because now all he wants to do is kiss Barba.

Sonny smiled, looking at himself in the full length mirror in Barba's room, he was dressed to the nines and normally he wouldn't make such an effort just to go for dinner with his boyfriend but tonight was special, they both agreed that it was time to disclose their relationship which was a huge step and they were going out to celebrate, Sonny smiled wider when he saw Barba behind him in his reflection; "You look amazing." Rafael said.

"Speak for yourself," Sonny turned to face him, making a dramatic display of checking Rafael out, "Give us a twirl?" Barba laughed but did it anyway, Sonny quickly found that Rafael would do anything for him, he loved it, "Gorgeous."

"Thank you." Barba walked forward, standing plush against Sonny, pretending to fix his tie.

"That's what I thought when I first met you." Rafael looked up at him.

"You thought 'thank you'?" Sonny laughed.

"No, I thought you were gorgeous." Sonny appreciated the way Rafael's blush spread across his cheeks.

"You really are a sap, aren't you?"

"Guilty as charged, counsellor." Rafael smirked.

"Shame, I was hoping to put you on trial, or maybe come to some form of... plea bargain." Sonny rested his hands on Rafael's hips.

"In that case, the defendant is making a motion to change their plea."

"Oh? And how does the defendant plea now?"

"Not guilty on all charges." Rafael laughed, it was loud and free and it made his eyes crinkle around the edge, it made Sonny fall in love with him a little more. Barba stood on his tip toes to press a kiss against Sonny's lips, using his tie to pull him closer, Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael's waist, kissing this man was intoxicating and he still couldn't get over how lucky he was to have him and soon everyone will know they're together and that while Barba can be scary, he's not a cold hearted bastard like most of the squad make him out to be. 

"We should go," Rafael whispered against his lips, "We'll miss our reservations, but when we're back, I think it's time I call you as a witness." Sonny laughed softly, he loved how Rafael could make work sound so sexy yet so adorable at the same time. 

"Certainly, however, I think I'm gonna need to call on another witness, Counsellor."

"Really? And who might that be?" 

"Assistant District Attorney Rafael Barba." Barba shivered, kissing Sonny once more. 

"I hear people call me that every single day, I've heard it said in so many different tones, normally those of anger and disgust, but never before has anyone made me sound sexy," Rafael tilted his head to the side, smile soft, "Until you." 

"You just make is so easy." 

"You're just giving me more evidence for my case, I'm building quite the prosecution right now." 

"Well, the defence argues that it's _you_ who is the sap," Sonny smiled back, "And I have quite the substantial amount of evidence myself," Sonny kissed his forehead, "I also have an empty stomach and reservations with my boyfriend so I think it's time we left." 

"Boyfriend, huh?" Rafael smoothed out his tie, he then moved one of Sonny's hands from his waist and held it in his own, "I love it when you say that." 

"Gonna be hearing it a lot more, Rafe," Sonny said, locking his fingers with Rafael's, feeling content with how well they fit together, "We'll be official by tomorrow morning." 

"Yeah," Rafe's eyes seemed to light up, "We will, so let's go celebrate our last night of privacy before Rollins and Liv jump us." Sonny laughed, he'd being doing that a lot since he started seeing Barba; he was never a sad guy really, just his boyfriend made it easier to be happier. 

"Let's go, sure the Uber was booked for now anyway, right?" 

"Hold on," Rafael checked his phone, "App says they're only three minutes away, so you're right, we best be leaving or we will be late," Rafael pocketed his phone and looked back at him, "Lead the way, Sonny." Sonny kissed him once more before they made their way out of the bedroom, grabbing coats and wallets and keys as they went, laughing and talking excitedly as they left the apartment block, saying goodbye to one of their elderly neighbours, who had taken a shine to them, as they passed her. The Uber didn't take long to arrive and they were soon driving towards the restaurant. 

Rafael calls him Sonny, without any mocking tones or queer accusations (which would have been proven anyway, considering they were dating), and Sonny still couldn't believe it. Of course, Rafe still called him Dominick from time to time and he found he liked that, liked that he was Sonny ninety-nine percent of the time, but still had the occasional Dominick thrown into the mix because it made him feel less guilty about wanting to change his name. He hadn't told Rafe about _why_ he used the name, he wanted to wait and see how strong their relationship is before throwing something else into the works but Rafael never questioned it, he just accepted it and went with it; Sonny was thankful. 

The restaurant was only twenty minutes away from the apartment, they made it with just over five minutes to spare for their reservations; Rafe paid for the Uber before they both walked towards the entrance, Rafael held his hand the whole time. Tonight was Sonny's treat, as much as he loved Rafael throwing money around for expensive dates, he was desperate to return the favour, especially for such an important occasion. This evening meant a lot to him, to them both, it was going to be their last night of privacy for a while before the others at work start demanding answers before they even ask their questions.

Sonny opened the door for Rafael, held it open as his partner walked in first, then followed behind, letting the door slowly shut after them. They both walked up to the front of house, there was a woman stood behind the desk, she was dressed impeccably and she really looked like she belonged there at this establishment, everything about her screamed high maintenance but she smiled politely at them both as they approached her, "Welcome, do you have a reservation with us tonight?" Even this woman's voice sounded high class.

"Yeah, it'll be under Sonny Carisi." Sonny said, smiling back but the woman's smile slipped as she looked at him; it made him feel uneasy.

"Sonny, did you say?" She barely even looked in the book.

"Yeah, is there a problem? I made the reservations last week." He glanced at Rafe, he started to feel embarrassed that he might have made a mistake and ruined their whole night, Rafe looked indifferent which oddly made him feel a little less embarrassed.

"Do you have any identification?" 

"Excuse me?" Sonny rose an eyebrow, "Identification for what?"

"To prove that this is your booking."

"It's a booking under Sonny Carisi, table for two, at half eight." Sonny said.

"I'm sorry sir, but I need to see some identification, I can't just take your word on it."

"Funny you should say that," Rafael said, his facial expression didn't change, but he had his court voice on, "I fail to remember anyone asking me for my identification the last time _we_ came here."

"Uh... well, you see, it's... new policy," She said, "We've had many people steal others reservations."

"That's very convenient, isn't it?"

"If it's his reservation, then he would have no problem with showing me his identification." Sonny sighed, he could pull out his drivers license but what's the point in being a cop and not using his detective ID.

"Here," He pulled it out of his back pocket, flashing his SVU identification; it was the woman's turn to look uncomfortable now, "Detective Dominick Carisi, is this sufficient? I used a nickname but that last names match." The woman looked at his ID then back at him.

"But..."

"I don't understand what type of business you're running that has people stealing other peoples reservations, which already doesn't make any sense, but we had ours booked for eight-thirty and it's already," Barba checked his watched, "Twenty to nine, which means you've been messing us around for ten minutes already," He put his arm down again, "Now you've seen my boyfriends identification, the last names match, I still can't believe why you'd act this way, like you couldn't believe his name is Sonny, but I am not happy with it."

"Sir, I'm..."

"No, are you refusing to seat us because of his name or the fact that we're together?" Rafael tilted his head, it was intimidating to most people but Sonny wanted to jump him here and now, "It doesn't make much sense, last time when we arrived the staff took our booking and sat us down, this time you're delaying us and I can assure you I do not appreciate this, which does mean that I will be taking your name and contacting management for they way you've acted towards my partner," Barba looked at Sonny, the intense irritation in his eyes softened in his eyes but not from his face, Sonny wanted to kiss him so badly, "Now, darling, do you want to stay here? Or would you prefer that we go elsewhere?"

"Wait," Before Sonny could even answer the woman was interrupting, "I apologise, your table is still available and I apologise for the inconvenience, I'm just following the policy and such, I hope you understand."

"No, I don't but since we're here I would hate to have wasted our journey," The woman at the front desk waved over a server, Sonny didn't really understand what was going on but for once, he wasn't going to talk in case of putting his foot in it, "However, I will be taking your name and I doubt we will be coming here again, I'm not having Sonny ridiculed for some non-existent policy that you've just made up."

"Now listen, I don't know who you are but you can't say I ridiculed him," The woman scoffed, "I asked to see his ID because I didn't believe his name, there's no harm in that."

"I thought you said it was because of a policy?" Barba said, "But now it's because you didn't believe his name? Would you have questioned me if Rafael Barba was written down?"

"Rafael? Like the Ninja Turtle?" Barba tensed and Sonny didn't know how to react, he'd never heard _anyone_ mock Rafe before, it just wasn't a thing people did.

"Excuse me?" The woman paled, Rafe had gone from court voice to pure anger, "This is incredibly unacceptable, your attitude is disgusting and I will make sure I include this in my statement to your bosses."

"I... I'm sorry, uh... Taylor will show you to your table if you'd still like to be seated," The woman turned to the server who was stood to the side of them, looking a little awkward but Sonny didn't blame her, "Make sure that there bill is covered for, okay?" Taylor nodded.

"If you'd like to follow me?" Rafael looked at Sonny, asking him with his eyes if he'd like to stay but Sonny wasn't going to turn away this whole date for free, might as well get some satisfaction for it; he nodded. They followed Taylor to a table, it almost made Sonny forget how rude that woman was when he was hit with the ambiance, it was incredibly romantic and he felt thrilled when he was, finally, sat opposite Rafe at their table, "Here are your menus, can I get you any drinks?"

"Hmm..." Rafe picked up the wine list, Sonny was thankful for, he could cook but he knew next to nothing about wines.

"If you like Italian, I recommend the Amarone Riserva De Buris Tommasi 2008," Taylor said, "It's like three hundred bucks a bottle but if Katya said your bill was covered, I say abuse that privilege." Rafael laughed.

"Oh, I love a bit of Italian," He said, smirking at Sonny who felt his entire face flush red knowing what Barba was meaning, "I see your point, we'll take a bottle of that then, thank you."

"Certainly," Taylor wrote it down on her note pad, "Also, I'm sorry for Katya, she's a right bitch and she's backwards as hell in her views, I wouldn't hold back slating her if you do report her to management, it won't be the first time Sarah and Bill have heard complaints but I think he'll listen if you mention you're cops."

"I'll be sure to mention it, thank you Taylor." The waitress nodded, she mentioned that she would be back later to take their orders before leaving to get them their drink. Sonny felt great that this date wasn't going to put either of them out of pocket but he felt so shitty for the way he handled Katya at the front desk.

"Listen, Rafe... I'm sorry." Sonny said, he fiddled with one of many forks in front of him.

"What for?"

"How I handled that, I should have just shown her my ID instead of making a big deal I just..." Rafael reached over and grabbed Sonny's hands, squeezing them gently, Sonny looked at him; Barba was smiling softly at him.

"Listen, that woman was out of line, you reacted accordingly, she had no reason to question you," He said, "I still don't understand why she did but she shouldn't have, I'm sorry she did that to you, it was unfair, Sonny."

"Thanks for sticking up for me."

"I'll always stick up for you, I hope you know that, you mean a lot to me." Sonny's heart swelled inside his chest.

"And you mean an awful lot to me too."

"Good," Rafael kissed Sonny's hand, "Are you okay though? If you'd like to postpone our disclosure then I'd understand."

"No, of course not, I'm fine and even if I wasn't, nothing would stop me from taking that next step with you," Sonny said, "I can't wait for everyone to know that we're together, can't wait for everyone to see that you're actually a big softy rather than this big meanie that everyone sees you as."

"Big meanie? You're adorable," Barba said, "But I am a big meanie, I can't have you ruining my reputation."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Sonny smiled, the conversation with Katya pushed to the back of his mind, "You call yourself mean but who was it who got excited when I made him pancakes? Or when I gave him that little teddy bear? Or who practically purrs when he get's his head massaged in a certain way while he cuddles? Or..."

"Okay, okay, shut up now," Rafe said, "You're going to ruin my credibility."

"Of course I am counsellor." 

"Brat."

"You love it."

"I do," Rafael nodded, "However..."

"What?"

"You tell _anyone_ about that ninja turtle comment and I will have no other choice but to bury you." Sonny laughed, leaning over to give Rafael a kiss, happy that soon he won't have to worry about getting caught.

"Promise."

  
The date turned into a great success, they ordered expensive and left Taylor a huge tip, they then went back to Rafe's apartment, tipsy and warm. They kissed and laughed and wrote a long ass email to the owners of the restaurant about Katya and how shitty she was, Sonny tried not to think about how hurt he felt about his name choice, how stupid he was made to feel by that woman, he instead tried to focus on how happy Rafe made him, how he stuck up for him and reassured him, made him feel safe. 

He hoped that one day he'd be able to introduce himself as Sonny and someone would take him seriously, like Rafael did when they first met, it's all he wanted. However, when Rafe started kissing down his neck, muttered mentions of their ongoing bedroom court case from earlier, laptop and email draft forgotten, Sonny realised that he more pressing things to think about.

5.

  
It was late now, Sonny was tired and all he wanted was to finally go back to Rafe's apartment, order pizza and sit on the couch with his boyfriend in sweatpants, watching some documentary or old film they liked, cuddling until they both couldn't stay awake any longer and went to bed. He craved the domesticity of their relationship and he knew that his boyfriend will already have his comfort clothes on the heater so they're toasty for him and the pizza already ordered. He was so good to him and Sonny was completely in love with him. 

They hadn't said those words yet but that was okay with Sonny, he could tell how much Barba cared for him and they'd only been dating for nearly five months now. It's been great, Sonny felt a little smug proving to Rollins that Rafael wasn't going to break his heart, that he was so much more than his hard demeanor; something she quickly found out when she walked into Sonny's apartment a week after they'd disclosed their relationship, to find Sonny laying on the sofa with Barba curled up between his legs, napping with his head on Sonny's chest while also wearing Sonny's Fordham Law hoodie. 

He knew that Rafe would be wearing that hoodie now, he'd taken a shine to it and Sonny knew he'd never get it back. Sober Barba said there wasn't any reason as to why he didn't want to return it, drunk Barba confessed that he loved how big it was on him and how it smelled like Sonny, making him feel safe. Sonny makes sure to wear it when Barba isn't home so that it continues to smell like him, he wasn't sure if Rafe knew that he did that or not, but if he did, he didn't care. 

Sonny made sure he has his text books and notes, he had a long shift at work and then night class on top was kicking his ass but if he wanted to make it to the bar exam then he was going to stick to it and he was doing well, even without the input from his boyfriend who only gave him pointers now and then, wanting Sonny to do this himself because he believed in him, it made Sonny feel amazing. He slipped Rafe's Harvard University hoodie on, stretching as he did so, before grabbing his backpack and leaving the lecture hall, on the way out his lecturer wished him a good evening and told him he was doing well, it just put another spring in his step as Sonny thanked him. He pulled out his phone, ready to call his boyfriend who was expecting it like normal after his class, when another student called after him; "Hey! Wait up!" 

"Huh?" Sonny turned around to see who it was, he didn't particularly have friends in this class but that was mainly down to the fact that it was night class, it finished late so he was always ready to go straight back home instead of going for drinks if anyone else was going out, there wasn't time for socialising really. Which is what made him really confused when a guy around his age walked up to him, Sonny recognised him as the new transfer, "Oh, hey." 

"You do know you're at Fordham, right?" The guy asked, walking alongside Sonny. 

"I'm sorry, I don't understand." 

"The hoodie," The guy said, gesturing to Sonny's body and Sonny felt stupid, of course the guy was meaning the hoodie, "You forget where you study or is it a case of trying to look more impressive?" Sonny laughed and shook his head. 

"Neither, it's my boyfriends," Sonny said, "He steals mine all the time, I thought it was only fair if I did the same." 

"Boyfriend, huh?" The guy smirked, it didn't sound mocking but it did sound a little teasing, like how Amanda said the same phrase after Sonny first referred to Barba that way, (he did accidentally say 'I'll talk to my boyfriend about getting a warrant' instead of ADA, Amanda teased him all day but promised not to tell Liv of his slip up, scared to get into trouble) but that's different, Rollins is his best friend, he didn't even know this guy. 

"Uh, yeah, he's a Harvard graduate," Sonny scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly, "Obviously." 

"Some big shot then? Or just another wasted degree?" Sonny shot him a confused look and the guy just laughed, "Goes one of two ways, got a cousin who got half way through a degree there but dropped out, his girlfriend graduated only to end up selling shoes." 

"Oh, well, my boyfriend didn't drop out or waste his degree," Sonny said, feeling a little proud, "He's actually an ADA." 

"An ADA? I'll admit, that's impressive, he local?" 

"Yeah, he was in Brooklyn way before I met him but now he's Manhattan," He said, "We actually work together, that's how we met." 

"You're in uh... that special unit right?" 

"Special Victims, yeah."

"Impressive." 

"Thanks." 

"Just realised that we've been talking all this time and I haven't introduced myself," The guy said as they stopped in front of the elevator, he pressed the button to go down, "My name's Rory Tavis." He held his hand out, Sonny shook it briefly, he desperately wanted to call Barba now, this guy was disrupting his routine. 

"Sonny Carisi." The guy laughed. 

"You're changing it right?" The elevator dinged and opened its doors, both men stepped in and Sonny pressed for the ground floor. 

"Changing what?" 

"You're name." 

"And why would I do that?" Sonny asked, getting defensive. 

"You wanna be a hotshot lawyer like your boyfriend and you have a name like Sonny? They'll be laughing you out of a courtroom before you can even plead your case." Sonny frowned. 

"My name will have no impact on my future as an ADA if and when that happens," Sonny said, "I don't need some guy I've never met before until now, who knows nothing about me, telling me that it will." 

"I'm just saying, bad enough you're running around telling people you have a boyfriend, that's already one strike against you and your credibility," Rory said, "Then you have a pansy name on top of it? Doesn't help that you're what? Italian?" 

"I'm failing to see where you're going with all this." 

"Who is going to want to have some queer Italian guy defending them, especially with a name like yours, you're signing yourself up for ridicule," The elevator stopped and Sonny made sure he left first, Rory followed close behind, "You'll end up with people talking about you behind your back, just like they do with that Cuban asshole." Sonny was so close to the exit, ready to leave this guy but he knew exactly who he was talking about. 

"And what do they say about him?" 

"Taking an interest now that I'm telling you the facts," Rory said, sounding proud of himself, "You don't wanna end up like him though, blowing judges to get his cases through, probably screwing that Sargent Benson too, because they say he's bisexual, you know they'd fuck anything, especially when it works in their favour," Rory stepped closer and Sonny was convinced that if this guy dared to touch him he wouldn't hesitate in trying to break his arm, "Plus you know how it is with these foreign types, no offence, but they don't have things going their way and they pull out the race card." 

"I'm guessing you're talking about ADA Barba?" Rory laughed, it made Sonny sick. 

"You know of him then?" 

"Have you not listened to anything I've said?" Sonny turned to look at Rory, trying to remain calm, he didn't want to risk his job or his place on this course for punching him, "Or are you just stupid? How are you going to make it in law when I've already stated the fact I'm dating the ADA for Manhattan and that I also work for the SVU." 

"Wait..."

"Which means Benson is _my_ Sargent, and that 'Cuban asshole' is _my_ boyfriend," Sonny was furious now, "Also, being bisexual doesn't mean you suddenly start having sex with anyone, especially not him, none of that is true." 

"Sure it's not, but hey, I'm just trying to prepare you, you might get special treatment because you've got that asshole as a boyfriend or whatever, but it still stands that he will drag you down and you'll drag yourself down with a homo name like Sonny, you need a proper man name." That hit a nerve in Sonny and he was done talking to this man, he was done a while ago but he wasn't even going to justify him with an argument. Sonny shook his head. 

"Pathetic." He turned around, exiting the building and hoping to god that bastard left him alone, he was shaking and he just wanted to get home. He checked his phone and saw he had a few missed calls and a couple of texts from Rafe, letting him know the details of his Uber and asking him to call back. Sonny replied, letting him know they'll talk when he's back home and thanking him for the Uber. 

  
Rafael was pacing when Sonny got home, Sonny felt guilty for making him worry so much but it was just drowned out by the anger he felt from before. He stopped pacing when he saw that Sonny was home, he was in the clothes that Sonny expected him to be in, made the man look less intimidating with his bed socks and sweater paws but Sonny was struggling to take the look in; by now he'd be pulling Rafe into a kiss, telling him how cute he looked and Rafe would be laughing as he shoved at him and told him to get changed, that the pizza would be there soon. Sonny noticed that the pizza was already here, on the coffee table just behind Barba, that asshole from his class ruined his whole evening and Sonny just wanted to cry.

"Sonny?" Rafael took a step forward, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." 

"Don't lie to me, you can..." Sonny pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"Shut up," He snapped, "I just... I..." He felt so pathetic when he started crying, Rafe was by his side instantly, bringing him into his arms, Sonny wrapped his own arms around Barba's shoulders, holding him tightly to his chest while he cried, "I'm sorry."

"Shhh... there's no need," Rafael held him close, rubbing his back underneath his backpack, "I'm here." They stayed like that until Sonny was able to calm down, no longer sobbing, just small hiccups and quiet tears, but he felt a little better, no longer like he had pressure building up inside of him.

"I'm sorry," Sonny said, pulling away a little so he could look at Rafe, "Just cried in your hair and told you to shut up."

"That's okay, we can shower later and you're upset, I didn't take that comment personally," Rafael smiled at him "Go get changed and then we can talk, yeah?" Sonny nodded, Rafe kissed his cheek and then let him go, walking towards the sitting room to wait for him. Sonny walked into the bedroom, his comfort clothes on the heater like always, Rafe always laid them out in a way that made them all get equally warm and it always made Sonny feel appreciated that Rafael would come back from work and lay out Sonny's clothes ready for him to return from night school. 

Sonny dropped his backpack on the floor, taking off his clothes slowly, taking his time to change so he could put off the conversation with Rafe but he knew his boyfriend wouldn't drop it, he was just scared to tell him what that guy had said, he was so rude. He was also worried about what he would say, running his mouth was Sonny's specialty, things had been going so well with Rafael that he was scared of ruining them. He pulled Rafe's hoodie back on once he was changed, he never realised how safe it made him feel until tonight, he now understands what Rafe was talking about when he wore his Fordham hoodie. Sonny took a deep breath before leaving the room and walking back to his boyfriend.

Rafael was sitting on the sofa, his smile was welcoming and the need to cry was welling back up inside of Sonny but instead he pulled the sleeves of the hoodie over his hands and sat down next to him. Rafael put his hand on Sonny's thigh, squeezing gently, "What happened?"

"I was going to call, I promise," Sonny said, "I wasn't ignoring you or anything, I... something happened, with this... guy."

"What happened?" Rafael's smile dropped, "Do you need me to call Liv?" Sonny shook his head.

"No, it's not like that... not what you're thinking," Sonny looked at him so Rafe could see he was telling the truth, "I promise, he just..." Sonny sighed, it was shaky, "He's new, a transfer, called after me and I waited, walked out with him but... then he got all weird."

"What do you mean by that?"

"He was... alright, joked about my hoodie and I said it was yours, he sounded too... friendly, I guess, teasing when he said 'boyfriend' like Amanda does, started asking harmless questions but then when he asked for my name and I told him Sonny it was like a switch just flipped in his mind, started asking me if I was going to change it, that I wouldn't be taken seriously in court with such a... pansy name."

"What the fuck?"

"Told me I'd already set myself up for ridicule for being so open about having a boyfriend, that it would go against my credibility and that having a name like Sonny would make them laugh me out of the courtroom before I even had time to make my case, said nobody would want to have a 'queer Italian' with a name like mine representing them... then he..." Sonny paused.

"It's okay," Rafe scooted closer to him, their thighs touching, "You can tell me."

"He told me I wouldn't want people to talk about me behind my back like..." Sonny looked away from Rafael, looking into his lap instead, "Like that Cuban asshole."

"Ah, I know who he's talking about," Rafael said, "So, I'm guessing that he told you what they say about me?"

"Rafe..."

"Please, just tell me."

"Fine, he told me that you suck off judges to get your cases through and that you're screwing Liv because you're bisexual which means you'll fuck anything, especially if it works in your favour and that if things don't go well then you'll play the race card." Rafael removed his hand from Sonny's thigh.

"I've never played the race card, I'm American-Cuban, if I ever tried to do that they'd never take me seriously," Rafael sounded hurt, "I'm not white enough that people don't know but I'm too white to play the Cuban card... I don't exactly fit in with either group."

"I'm sorry," Sonny looked up at him, feeling awful, "I'm so sorry."

"Nothing I've never heard before, what else did he say?"

"Told him you were my boyfriend, he told me he was trying to prepare me for the real world because I'm getting special treatment for dating you and that Sonny is a homo name... that... that..." Sonny felt like he couldn't breathe.

"Sonny? What's wrong?" Rafe's hand was back on his thigh, "Talk to me."

"He told me I needed a 'man' name," Sonny felt pathetic when he started crying again but once the floodgates were open he couldn't stop them, "But I don't want one, I know my name isn't really Sonny but to me it's more than a nickname, if it was up to me I'd make it my legal name, Dominick is okay but it's _not_ me... I don't mind when you use it, you call me Sonny most of the time and you have no idea how much that means to me, and the few times you call me Dominick makes my guilt subside."

"Guilt?"

"I'm named after my dad, could you imagine what the Carisi's would have to say if I turned up with a new name, they'd think I'm trying to cast out the family, they struggled enough with our relationship, imagine if they knew everything about me." Rafael moved off the sofa, kneeling between Sonny's legs he took his face into his hands, smiling softly and wiping away Sonny's tears with his thumbs.

"If you want to tell me you can, but you don't have to, I won't force you." 

"I..." Sonny covered Rafe's hands with his own, "I don't want to go by Dominick or... or have a manly name because I'm not one," He took a deep breath, this is the first time he's said it out loud, "I don't feel fully connected to my assigned gender, I'm... I'm non-binary and I'm so sorry." He started crying harder, expecting Rafe to push him away, tell him to get out and...

"Sonny..." Rafael kissed his forehead, "Never apologise for this, there's nothing to be sorry for, thank you for telling me."

"But... I'm not... I'm not a guy?" Sonny was confused, his sobs subsiding.

"And that's okay," Rafael pulled back enough to look Sonny in the eyes, smiling at him, tears in his own eyes, "You are so wonderful, you're beautiful and amazing, you're doing fantastic at school and that's all you, Liv has so much praise for you as a detective and you're the first person who I've connected with for a long time, being non-binary is just another part of you and... and I love you." Sonny couldn't believe what he just heard.

"You... you love _me?"_ Rafe nodded.

"I do, I really do and this changes nothing, I promise you," Rafe kissed him, "You mean so much to me, I'm here to support you through everything and if you want to be known as Sonny then that's who you are, that's how you introduced yourself all those months ago and that's how I know you, if you want me to call you something different to boyfriend then I will and if you have pronouns you use that are different then tell me, I will use them."

"Oh..." Sonny sniffed, "I didn't expect this... I love you too." Rafael let out a shaky breath of relief, climbing into Sonny's lap, thighs on either side of him, and held him close, Sonny wrapped his arms around his waist and held him tightly.

"I'm really glad to hear that."

"I've been wanting to tell you for a while, just didn't want to seem like I was rushing you."

"Well, we've said it now, and we mean it and that's all that matters," Rafe said, "And what that guy said... it was all lies, anyone would be lucky to have you as a lawyer and you've made it this far without me, you don't need me to succeed."

"That's not entirely true, I need you to be here."

"And I always will be."

"And... I like it when you call me your boyfriend, I'm okay with those sort of terms, I'm okay with male gendered terms really, just... not my name and..." Sonny was glad that he had his face in Rafael's chest, "Pronouns... I like he and they, if that makes sense?"

"Yeah, it does, thank you for letting me know, thank you for trusting me."

"Thank you for not throwing me out."

"I'd never do that." Rafael pulled back enough to smile at him, Sonny wanted to kiss him so he did; soft and slowly, the emotion was overwhelming and he felt exhausted but so much lighter having the weight removed from his shoulders. He was out and Rafael didn't tell him to fuck off... instead he told him that he _loved him_. Sonny couldn't believe it.

  
The pizza was cold by the time they got round to eating it but neither of them cared, they we're playing a movie that they had seen a million times before but it was nice to just cuddle with each other and lazily focus in and out of the film. For the first time in years Sonny felt truly relaxed, they were open and Barba _loved_ him, maybe he should thank that Rory or he wouldn't have had the breakdown that lead to this. Sonny was removed from his thoughts when Rafael shifted again, the third time in ten minutes, "You okay?" Sonny asked, running his fingers through Barba's hair in a way he knew he liked.

"It's not true."

"What isn't?" Sonny felt a little panicked, had Rafe been talking this whole time and he'd been blanking him?

"What that guy said... about me."

"I know." Rafael sighed, twisting the sleeve of his hoodie between his fingers.

"I just... I want to tell you this."

"You can tell me anything." He continued to massage his head, keeping him calm.

"I've never slept with Liv, I love her of course I do but I'm not in love with her, not like I am with you," Sonny refrained himself from talking but that simple comment made him feel like he was on cloud nine, "We'd never work in a romantic relationship and I've never felt that way towards her, and I promise you I've never had sexual relations with _any_ judge at any of the places I've worked at."

"I believe you." Rafe smiled at him.

"Thanks... Also, there's a reason why I didn't sleep with you when we first started messing around in my office after hours."

"Oh, I just thought we were taking things slow, I'd never done anything like that before, do most people just jump into sex?" Rafael laughed a lot of his anxiety seemed to be easing.

"Yeah, normal people but I'm not exactly normal when it comes to... that, I've never really been a sexual person and for a long time I genuinely thought I'd never have sex with anyone, I'd fooled around before with friends before I went to college, a bit like what we did when we first met but that was it," Rafael said, "I didn't actually sleep with anyone for the first time until after I'd finished my law degree, while my housemates we're bringing back differently people every weekend I just wasn't interested, I was convinced I was broken."

"You're not."

"Thank you, sometimes I still feel like I am, I couldn't understand why I just wasn't bothered with going further than making out and the occasional hand job, then I met you and the attraction was instant and I was so angry at myself because I still just... didn't feel anything when I thought about sleeping with you."

"Do... do you still feel that way?" Sonny asked, trying to not feel a little disheartened by what Barba said, he wasn't completely upset just a little concerned, "Because if you do, then we don't have to continue having sex, I won't be upset, I am content to just do this every night, I really hope you're not just going through with it for my sake." Rafael shook his head.

"No, don't sound so worried," Rafael said, "That's what I'm trying to tell you, I realised that the reason I started to feel comfortable with sex is because I started to forma strong emotional attachment to you, then I looked back and realised that the people I ever slept with, excluding one or two which were just moments to please the other person, I had feelings for them, turns out I only have sex with those I have a bond with," Rafael looked a little embarrassed, "It's a thing, I looked it up, it's called being demisexual that really does just mean that I only experience sexual attraction after an emotional bond has formed."

"I get that," Sonny said, kissing Rafe's temple, "That makes sense, I'm glad you are comfortable with that side of our relationship and I want you to know that you're not broken, despite what you think."

"Thank you, I've not spoken about that before and I wasn't going to bring it up because it's not important not really, but I couldn't get it out of my head that people think I'm this sleaze bag and I knew you wouldn't believe what he said but I... I _needed_ you to know."

"Thank you for trusting me," Sonny pulled him closer, desperate to have zero space between each other, "It means a lot."

"You trusted me coming out as non-binary, I'm just really happy," Rafe looked up at him, "I'm really happy that we trust each other to share these things and I'm just happy in general with you and I think... I think it's time you moved in."

"Wait? What?"

"You don't have to and I was hoping to ask you in a more romantic setting but I really hate the idea of you going home, I hate it when we spend nights apart and if you are, then I'm ready to take that next step and have you move in with me."

"Yes."

"Really?" Rafe looked pleasantly surprised.

"Yeah, I'm ready too, say the word and I'll start packing."

"We both have the next few days off..."

"I'll get some boxes."

"I'll make some closet space." Sonny laughed, feeling so much happier and lighter than he had all day, than he had in a long time.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

+1

  
They'd been living together for a while now and Sonny couldn't believe just how well they moved around each other, like this was always meant to happen. They had a mini housewarming party the weekend after Sonny had officially moved in and it was nice, everyone came and it was really rare that the whole squad could just relax and enjoy themselves, having Barba socialising without any of them being angry at him because a case isn't going the way they all hoped; he still wasn't out to everyone, they'd tried but failed but they'll try again, he knows it but for now he's happy that everyone seems to be getting on so well.

There's just one thing that he had to do, something that was scaring them... he had to meet Rafael's mother. Barba had already met most of Sonny's family, it was hard to keep him a secret because as soon as one person found out, it spread like wildfire, it started with his younger sister Bella who was doing a surprise visit and ran into Sonny and Barba kissing in the back of a bar she just happened to be visiting, and then from that he started getting phone calls from cousins and aunts and their parents demanding to know more about this mystery guy they were kissing which then lead to both of them being dragged to different family occasions. Sonny did his best to protect Rafe from his family, knowing they can be very in your face and he didn't want to overwhelm Barba too quickly, Sonny eased him into his family gently and he knew that his parents were struggling to accept them together but he knew they were also struggling to find a reason to be angry at their relationship after they met Rafael; they loved him.

Only, this was different, this was Rafe's mother and from what his boyfriend told him about his upbringing, their families were worlds apart and he had no idea how to act around her but this was important to Rafael so he'd do it for him, just didn't stop him from wanting to throw up as they pulled up outside the cafe that they agreed to meet Lucia at. It looked so upscale and expensive and Sonny felt out of place; "Hey, you look worried." Rafe said, coming to stand beside them after paying the cab fare.

"Guess I am," Sonny admitted, "Can't tell you the last time I met my partners parents."

"I was in the same boat with your family, it's a big step and if you're not ready we can cancel," Barba slipped his hand into Sonny's "I'll be able to talk her round."

"No, I want to do this, I promise," Rafe smiled, "It's just pretty huge."

"If she does anything to make you uncomfortable, you tell me and I'll sort it okay?" Sonny nodded, "It's just brunch, you'll be okay."

"Yeah, you're right."

"That happens a lot, there's no need to sound so surprised." Sonny laughed, feeling a little less tense now.

"Shut up," They said, "Let's go in, don't want to keep your ma waiting." Barba brought their joint hands up to his face and kissed Sonny's, he smiled and then lead them both through to the cafe. Sonny was feeling a little more stressed again, their earlier ease disappearing, how should he introduce himself? Would his mom laugh at him if he said his name was Sonny? Does she already know them as Dominick? Shit, he should have spoken to Rafe beforehand so they could have been better prepared and now it's too late because they're being shown to a table where a woman he could just tell was Lucia Barba was sat. He was going to be sick, he could feel it, why is an introduction so stressful? He's done it a million times and-

"Hi mom," Rafe said, kissing her cheeks as she stood to greet them, "Long time no see."

"If you weren't always so busy I'd be able to see you more, anyway, enough of you," She said, turning to look at Sonny, her smile wide as she dragged her eyes up and down him, "He's gorgeous Rafael."

"I know." Sonny could feel the blush burn his skin, he was used to this type of attention from Rafe but he never expected it from his mother.

"I'm Rafael's mother, Lucia," She said holding her hand out, Sonny took it and shook it gently, leaning forward to kiss at her cheeks and then he pulled back to look at her again.

"I'm Do-"

"This is Sonny," Rafael cut Sonny off, "This is my boyfriend, Sonny."

"Sonny?" Her eyes seemed to light up, "That sounds like a perfect name for you, yes, it suits you."

"Oh... wow... uh, thanks." Sonny was stunned, they didn't expect Rafael to do that, they all sat down at the table, a waitress came to take their drinks orders and then Lucia was talking again.

"Rafael told me that you chose it yourself?" She said, "Well, words to that effect."

"Yeah, it's just a, uh, nickname really and it's really..." Lucia held up a hand, silencing him very similar to what Rafe did to Amanda when they first met.

"Even if it's not your legal name, it's still your name," She said, "I don't want to know a name I'm never going to call you."

"Oh... Thank you..."

"I spoke about you with her, not long after what happened at your night class," Rafael said, "I thought... that if you couldn't be yourself anywhere except for at home then at least you could be comfortable with the both of us, I apologise if I have overstepped."

"No... you didn't, I'm..." Sonny forgot for a second that he was in front of his boyfriends mom as he pulled Rafael into a kiss, "Thank you." He whispered, resting his forehead against Rafe's.

"I told you I'm here to support you."

"This is so touching," Lucia said, breaking Rafe and Sonny from the staring contest that was beginning to start between them, "Can't wait to tell the girls."

"The... girls?" Rafe rose an eyebrow, looking at his mom who was texting, "What is wrong with you?"

"Hey, you're always busy, a woman has to keep herself occupied," She said, "Now, Sonny darling, does this make sense; yes this is Rafael's partner, aren't they a very handsome person?" Lucia asked, looking up from her phone, "Rafael told me that you don't have a binary and he's been teaching me about pronouns, just trying to be inclusive."

"It's non-binary mother."

"Shush, I'm talking to Sonny."

"Yeah, that would be the correct usage," Sonny was convinced they were in some form of dream, that he was going to wake up and he'd still be in bed, the day barely even starting but then the server came back with their drinks _(Morning margaritas kids, it is a brunch after all)_ , took their food orders and conversation started flowing naturally between them all and Sonny had to realise that this wasn't a dream, they just really did have the best boyfriend in the world.

They spoke about work, Lucia curious to how the others were treating them, looking happier when they reassured them that nobody on their team had a problem with them and that's all that matters. Rafael started gushing about how Sonny was doing in his night classes, sharing a running joke they have that Sonny annoys him with their unsolicited advice on how to prosecute cases and how Sonny was going to be shadowing him for a trial, and Sonny was sharing how good a teacher Rafael was and how much help he'd had been so far. They spoke about how house sharing was going, about the little party they had, Lucia filled them in on what she had been up to and how she met the Girls; it was such a different family experience compared to a Carisi get together and Sonny realised that they could definitely get used to these brunches.

  
They were tipsy when they got home, morning margaritas turned into wine with lunch which turned into a long day of casual day drinking with Lucia. They dropped her off at her hotel and made sure she was okay, then they took a cab back to the flat and as soon as they were inside Sonny couldn't keep his hands off his boyfriend, kissing him hard as they pushed him against the wall, trying to put as much emotion as he possible could until they we both tugging at each other shirts and panting harshly; "Not that I'm complaining," Rafe said as the pulled away to breathe, "But where has this come from?"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"No, I really don't think you understand, I'm so in love with you, you... you make me feel so safe, I can be open and myself around you," Sonny said, he could already feel the tears on his cheeks, "What you did for me today... introducing me as Sonny... Thank you," Sonny put his forehead against Rafael's, "I was so scared to tell you about my gender and my pronouns but when you've been nothing but supportive and they way you always uses both sets of pronouns for me, like it it comes so natural to you? It makes me fall in love a little more every time because you really are my safe space."

"Baby," Rafe smiled, his own eyes brimming with tears, "You deserve to feel safe, and I'm glad I can provide that feeling to you, I respect you and who you are, making you feel happy and secure... that's all that matters to me because I'm in love with you too." Sonny kissed him again, grabbing at his hips, their mouths moving against each other messily until they had to breathe again.

"I don't know what I'd do without you, I think you should just marry me." Sonny froze, he had _not_ meant to say that, they'd only been dating for a little over a year.

"Are you... are you being serious?"

"No," Rafe's face fell, "Yes? Maybe? I want to marry you, but this isn't how I planned to ask you at all."

"How did you plan to ask me?"

"I don't know, in a more romantic setting where I don't have my hand practically in your pants but... yeah, fuck it, I'm being serious, why not?" Rafael's smiled returned, it was bigger and brighter than any Sonny had ever seen on him.

"Yes."

"Wait, that worked?"

"It did, like you said, fuck it, I don't need romantic dates or whatever to let you know that I want to spend the rest of my life with you," He said, "You're all I want so yes, let's get married."

Sonny didn't hesitate in dragging Rafe down the hall and to the bedroom, ready to show their boyfriend just how thankful they really were.

  
The following week, Sonny and Rafael were being cornered in the break room by the whole squad during lunch, Sonny felt concerned but Rafael just sat in his seat, eating trail mix with a smug look on his face; "Show me." Liv demanded holding her hand out to Rafe.

"Show you what, Sargent?" He said, looking even more smug if that was even possible.

"Don't play dumb Barba, show me." Rafe just laughed, putting his left hand in Liv's, everyone's attention was drawn to the simple ring that Sonny had bought him, he'd given it to him the night before just to let Rafael know he was dead serious when talking about getting engaged; Rafael had cried, promising to get Sonny one later in the week and Sonny couldn't wait.

"Holy shit." Amanda looked at the ring and then between the couple, as if she didn't know who to look at.

"When did this happen?" Fin said, even his interest was caught by the shiny band on Rafe's finger.

"Last week," Rafael looked at Sonny, a love sick look in his eyes, "After we met my mother, he sorta asked me to marry him, then last night they bought me a ring, Sonny got down on one knee and everything and they made it official." The squad started asking more questions, rambled words mixed together that Sonny didn't really care about, not right now, not when they have Rafael looking at them like they were the only person that mattered.

Sonny spent a long time trying to get people to take him seriously, trying to get them to accept him as Sonny, they just never realised he only needed one person to listen and respect him to make everything feel okay.


End file.
